Don’t get me wrong, there comes a epoch during a betch’s dry charm( hi) where a goddamn shirtless Ralph Lauren Polo cologne ad would get me wet, so I’m not one to judge on what type of clatter curves you on in the bedroom. But if you’re gonna be the naive and whiney Charlotte of your group, that’s fine–just don’t come scream to us, your friends, who informed you that “you horrible bitch, you filthy slut” bedroom talk wasn’t exactly code for “I schleps attend myself resolving down with you”. But since I know you will regardless, precisely is fully prepared to pack your purses and run for the hills if he spews any of this bullshit out during gender before he has the chance to jump and bounce.
1. “Did You Come Yet? ”
You know when you were taking a day test in clas and the professor was all, “5 instants left, ” and you were forced into a clusterfuck of a thought process that constructed no appreciation? Yeah this is like that, simply you used to be able to simply distinguish C and actually finish the test. Querying if we came more employs a age crunch on the entire process, and exclusively welfares that of a fuckboy’s ego, so now the 12% chance we are really had of finishing is nonexistent. Also, pretty sure there’s a saying that leads, if it looks like a fuckboy and sounds like a fuckboy, then it’s prob a fuckboy. Or something along those lines. Well same goes for literally everything ever, including orgasms. Questioning if we came during copulation is like asking if I’m still hungover the Tuesday after Labor Day weekend, as in, that shit is really fucking difficult to masquerade. Next.
2. “Sorry, It Slipped”
Wrong hole, my ass. And I mean that with the utmost literal planned. The only event worse than asking me to situate it in exit-only subject on a first appointment is a catch rocket open without my full dispensation. Like, at least North Korea straight-up warned us. A guy who struggles butt trash before giving “youve got to” at least a vodka soda and kale salad is exclusively in it to boast to his friends later on that he actually got away with doing butt substance. But if you’re into that sort of circumstance, and he asks your say assent, then like all strength to you. Otherwise you should probs call the police.
3. “I Never Do This”
It’s every girl’s fantasy for a person to eventually admit to us that we’re the exception to the rule( thanks, Justin Long in that dumb fucking RomCom ). But as your best friend, I’m now is to say that you’re not special. That’s perhaps mean, but whatever. If there’s any big lie than me claiming I’ll “be ready in 5”, it’s a person who claims he never raises a girl dwelling. I’m sorry to burst your myth bubble, but “I never do this” should send you running for the fucking slopes in any context it’s ever used in. Whether he’s got an surprising occurrence of whiskey cock or he actually certainly doesn’t ever accompanied a girl dwelling, start lacing up those Reeboks.
4. “You’re So Wet Right Now”
Gee thanks, tell me more about how the female sex organ miraculously operates! A bro who makes the time to let you know that your vagina is doing its chore is simply saying this for one of two reasons: As a shitty attempt in feeling without saying that, you’ll magically drench yourself after detecting you up over your heaves for 20 instants like he’s in fucking 9th point, or as a tap on his own back for completing a task a minuscule rod and a carry of AA batteries is much more capable of.
5. “You’re So Tight”
I believe this was actually the title of Period 7 in the Betches Guide to Fuckboys guidebook, but if reading isn’t your happening, the committee is fuckboy-to-English rendition for “can’t you feel how big-hearted I am? ” Like, this is the type of person who thinks it’s some kind of praise that a vagina is snug and shockingly won’t fit the contents my goddamn purse, as if we should be returning the kudo on his “enormous” male form. FYI, I give congratulates like I hand principal aka exclusively maybe after I receive some first, but like, thanks for noticing I’ve been doing my kegels?
6. “Call Me Daddy”
Had I not been three glass of Chardonnay deep, I wouldn’t even squander my time including this on the list because it’s so blatantly self-evident, but chiefly it’s the No. 1 reason I have actual
father trust publications. I would rather rupture my own ear containers with a Q-tip than affiliate the identify I referred to my own parent for 20 times straight-out with Ben from Bumble. Last I checked, this isn’t some tight-budget Russian porno, so unless he has the funds to support my stiletto shopping practice and weekly happy hour therapy seminars, Greg, and exclusively Greg, will forever be the only daddy in my life.
7.* Head Push*
Every ounce of bullshit on such lists may have spoken for itself, but bolt what I said in the beginning because specific actions actually do speak infinitely louder than terms, and I’m talking about the fucking face approach. I won’t even squander my epoch go into details about what this wants because you know exactly what I’m talking about. But I will say that a chap who attempts to submerge you further into his waste while you’re on your knees has no plans of coming down on his knee any time soon. How to condone such selfishness, you may ask? You don’t condone it, that’s how. Do you think Mulan would have just been like “thx for the encourage! ” if Li Shang plucked a move like that? Fuck no. That betch saved an entire country–pretty sure she doesn’t require some roided-out fuckboy’s further pointless succor, in which action a fist to his family jewels will speak even greater volumes.